This day a year ago is when our world crumbled. The 31st March. I remember it vividly, I am crap with dates usually, I struggle to remember birthdays, anniversaries etc. but this date is etched into my memory. I recall looking at facebook before the scan and seeing a post from someone urging people not to fake pregnancies for April Fools the next day. I remember how excited we were to be seeing our beautiful baby again. I remember how I wore my favourite maternity dress to look nice for our baby, I remember the meal we ate as a family of 3 before at Lona on Gloucester Road before the scan. I don’t think I’ll ever eat Lebanese food again (thank goodness we didn’t go to Wagamama’s or Nando’s…). Mostly I remember that feeling of the bottom dropping out of our world, how surreal everything felt with that one sentence; ‘I’m sorry, there’s something wrong with your baby.’
A year on we are so lucky to have welcomed our daughter Sasha to the family on 8th March and we are so in love with our newest girl but she is in no way a replacement for Rufus. I find myself thinking of Rufus more at the moment partly because of the anniversaries coming up, but also from the ‘questions’. The ‘is this your first child?’ question. Do I say, no, this is our 3rd and then get into the whole story of Rufus (which despite best efforts still involve a lot of snot and tears, possibly even more so at the moment; bloody hormones) or do we say she’s our second and then feel as though we are betraying Rufus’s memory? The ‘did you want a boy?/will you try again for a boy?’ question; we had a boy, we loved him so much but we couldn’t keep him, do we say that? Or stick with the ‘we didn’t mind as long as they were happy and healthy’ which is the truth but feels a bit like we’re skirting around Ru’s existence. We are also thinking more of Rufus as Sasha looks a lot like him which is bittersweet, it’s so nice to see him in her but at the same time makes you think ‘what if?’; ‘if he was here would he have the same dark hair? the same ‘Higgins frown’? make the same weird noises in his sleep?.
As I sit here typing this with Sasha on my lap snoring away whilst I dab my eyes and blow my nose on her muslin (note to self- change this before next feed), I am amazed how quickly the year has gone. If I could tell myself a year ago where I’d be now I don’t think it would have eased the pain but it would have given me a bit of light to look for in the future when the present was so dark.
Parents across the world every day go through/are going through a similar experience; feeling crushed, confused, bewildered. ARC were there to support us and they continue to support us and so many other families everyday, not only in the immediate aftermath of a diagnosis but in the months and years after as the feelings never really go away. ARC is such a small charity but they support people from all over the world.
In memory of Rufus, this month, the 23rd April, Summers (my husband) will be running the London Marathon to raise money for ARC. Please consider sponsoring him, it is for a great cause and he has worked incredibly hard to get himself ready for the run. Any money, no matter how little would be greatly appreciated.
http://www.virginmoneygiving.com/runningforrufus
runningforrufus 